It’s been awhile since I have updated our journey through polyamory. I have recently joined a polyamory Facebook group – something I never thought I would have found 7 years ago. In those days, we still had to explain what polyamory was.
For those who are new to the 3 Men 1 House story, 2 Men became 3 Men in January of 2013. Back then we were 35, 30 and 21 respectively. Since then, there have been many ups, down and more growth than you could imagine. A few years ago we even sandwiched in a cross Canada move. So many adventures.
I thought to start off the new set up updates I would start with some basic information that should answer some of the questions our new(er) readers will have. Here are the top 10 questions we usually hear from monogamous, poly-curious and polyamorous people:
- Where does everyone sleep?
Surprisingly, this question comes from all people when they meet us. It surprises me mostly because in my experience not all monogamous couples sleep together for a variety of reasons. The answer is that two of us sleep together and a third sleeps alone. This is mostly for pragmatic reasons, as sleeping three in a bed can be difficult (i.e. when the person in the middle needs out of the bed.)
2. Don’t you get jealous?
Yes. Polyamorous people are human beings with all of the same human issues everyone has. Sometimes I can be jealous when I get the smallest piece of pizza. I can be jealous when someone else gets a snow day from work and I do not. Are there times when I get jealous that my two partners are showing each other affection and not me? The short answer is no. In fact, sometimes it can be a relief if I do not have my own energy to support someone else.
3. How long do you think this can last?
This question comes up less and less these days. I think it is a combination of polyamory becoming more mainstream, as well as the fact that we have been together now for 7 years. I honestly asked myself this question many times in the beginning. The answer is the same for any relationship – really as long as the members feel being together is better than not being together. I have had other poly relationships that did not work out. That didn’t mean that having a polyamorous relationship wasn’t right for me, it just meant the wrong players were in the game.
4. Do you think you would add a 4th?
The short answer here is yes. But it’s not a plan, it’s just being open to possibilities. We certainly have had our share of people who have been interested in the idea.
5. How do you get anything done with all the sex?
This is a common fallacy that has plagued gay men for as long as I can remember. Some people assume because we are poly that we spend a lot of time engaged in orgies with our many (non-existent) poly friends. Again like other people life gets in the way, and I hope that like us, most people have bigger goals in life than simply having as much sex as possible.
6. Did you come out to everyone?
This is a complicated answer. Yes and no, and it depends on which one of us you are speaking to. We all have different relationships with our families, and various challenges in those relationships. I would say that we are open with those who are closest to us, and to those who can handle it the best. It’s not really a secret, but one that we generally do not share with everyone.
7. What’s the best thing about being poly?
There is no one best thing about being poly in the same way there is no best thing about being married to anyone. One of the advantages of poly is that you have different perspectives to draw upon. You can always find someone to talk to that will bring their own experiences to your issues.
8. What’s the worst thing about being poly?
For myself, the worst thing about being poly is that I get very little time to myself. For introverted people such as myself, polyamory can help to bring people to your circle and into your home. The downside of that is – the more people there are in your home, the less likely you are to be alone.
9. What made you try poly?
For two of us, we always considered poly relationships from childhood. This was long before there was even a common word for this experience. For one, he was brought into the lifestyle consensually, but without previously considering it an option.
10. Is this a religious thing?
No. It may be for some, that I can not speak to. For us, polyamory is simply another relationship modality. We roll with what happens rather than having a preconceived idea of what it should be.