Fictitious News

Non-Agression Pact Is Only Aggressive Toward Canada

Russia and the United States of America have come together to renew a non-agression pact that seeks to create a new world peace by dividing up the Canadian portion of North America. Known as “The Great Handshake”, the move allows Russia to regain a foothold on the continent.

great handshake

The Great Handshake divides Canada between U.S. and Russian interests.

As set in terms finalized in Moscow, The Great Handshake is set to take effect in January of 2020. The  current western borders of Manitoba and Nunavut will serve as the new international border between the two nations, giving both parties assumed exclusive rights to the resources of the arctic. Both countries agreed that with invasion from all sides, Canada would likely concede or fall within a matter of days.

The division was broadly based on what the agreement deemed commercial cities. Russia will receive Toronto, Montréal and Halifax, with the U.S. integrating Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary. The capital of Canada which will now fall into the new Russian territory will be fully dismantled and rasied to the ground in an attempt to destroy any semblance of Canadian identity.

Many have cited the agreement as one sided with the lion’s share of Canada moving into Russian control. Insiders in the deal have commented that while Russians are taking larger land resources (Nunavut and all arctic island previously assigned to Northwest Territories, Manitoba, Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, Nova Scotia & Newfoundland), the U.S. had a specific interest in the provinces (Yukon, mainland Northwest Territories, British Columbia, Alberta & Saskatchewan) it chose: oil.

Both the U.S. and Russia are taking different tacks with their planned acquisitions. Russia appears to be taking a more imperical approach by creating three large territories and renaming Huson’s Bay:

  1. Atlantica – created by the union of Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, Prince Edward Island, New Brunswick and Eastern Quebec.
  2. Novo Siberia – consisting of present day Nunavut and all arctic islands.
  3. Romonov – dedicated to the last imperial family of Russia joins Ontario, Manitoba and western Quebec.
  4. Putin Sea – renaming of Canada’s Hudson Bay.

new canada

On the other hand, the United States is stroking the assimilation model of their own manifest destiny. Current provinces will salute Trump’s favourite historical figures and presidents:

  1. Alberta will be divided into the three states of Trump, Ford and Harper.
  2. Saskatchewan will become the three states of Bush, Reagan and Roosevelt.
  3. British Columbia is viewed as the most resistent province and will be divided into the five states of Vancouver, Davis, Lee, Breckinridge and Beauregard.
  4. Yukon will become New Alaska
  5. The Northwest Territories will be divided into four states known collectively as The Native Territories (Costal, Central, South East and South West).

With the collapse of the Canadian government indigenous sovergnty is a question both sides must follow. Trump plans to move all indigenous peoples from previous Canadian lands into the Native Territories.

“It is believed in Washington that the indigenous people of Canada are an industrious people. They could work more effectively on their specific issues if they were less dispersed across the continent. There is little talk of which nations would be moved to which of the four states. Leaders are more focused on analyzing resource reports and detailing plans for extraction. Next will be tenure season as the contracts for the modification of Canada are drawn up.” Fictitious News’ Washington correspondent Kahn E. Chung reports.

2020 will see a new North America brought to the world stage as two powerhouses take on a swath of new resources. Current propaganda does not mention a declaration of war with Canada, leaving some speculating that at least some provincial Premiers have already bought in/sold out. Mentions of production of “the 66 states” merchandise is rumoured to be underway.




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