Cairo, Egypt

Archaeologists have uncovered a new discovery in the evolution of humans in an unlikely place: cats. The missing evolutionary link that created the Great Leap Forward in human evolution was not stone tools or fire, it was servitude.

Recently, expert Egyptologists Dr. Frank Schrickenheim and Prof. Gertrude Tinhgle have reviewed ancient monuments and hieroglyphics and come to a chilling conclusion – cats were the loci of change in the Egyptian world. The Nile Delta region was the epicentre of this change.

“I was examining records of the Sphinx one afternoon and thought, ‘maybe we got this backwards’, and it seems I was right.” Schrickenheim confessed in a statement to the press. Origins of the original builders has been long shrouded in mystery. It appears the builders of such were people’s who used agrarianism to create the perfect biosphere for their feline overlords. The crops that the fields yielded was a bi-product of this activity, and helped to encourage a symbiotic relationship.

Tinhgle pointed to early man’s obsession with animal skins, “It has become increasingly obvious to science that early man sought to emulate something else by donning fur. It appears that the first skins to be worn by humans were lions. As the cult grew, the feline object was miniaturized to become the African wildcat. [Cats in Africa], however, held greater status than humans in the early cities. Fur was, in fact, a way for early humans to feel more like cats.”

Biologist Terry McFeeny weighed in recently on the findings: “While Inwas not part of this study directly, I have noted certain human evolutionary traits that support their hypothesis. In particular, the nocturnal habits of young adults strongly suggests a natural bias toward nocturnal activities – just like cats. Cats too, bear the evolutionary markers of early days spent in proximity of humans. Several of my colleagues believe so called domesticated cats prefer sitting in sunny windows because their ancestors sat near the fires of early human settlements.”

A new study is launching in 2016 by Tinhgle on domesticated felines. The hope, is that buried within the wealth of feline experience, is a solution to global warming.

@fictitiousnews

@kylerichtig

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